It Pays To Be Ignorant was a radio show from the 1940s. It was a spoof of an NBC quiz show Information Please moderated by Clifton Fadiman. [There is an unforgettable episode of Duffy's Tavern featuring Fadiman. Do not miss it.]
After you hear old episodes of It Pays To Be Ignorant, the names Tom Howard, George Shelton, Lulu McConnell and Harry McNaughton will be seared in your memory. The radio actors referred to each other by their real names before unleashing their violent wit.
Each episode featured a guest, usually a serviceman or -woman, who would be asked to read a simple question. The question invariably had the answer included in it but the panel of above experts (except Tom Howard who played the exasperated quizmaster) would make outrageously funny ways to avoid answering it. Misunderstandings about the meanings of similar-sounding words like in another vintage radio Fibber McGee and Molly Abbot-Costello-style were common.
Questions would be like:
- Name the two lovers in the Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet.
- If a man was born 25 years ago, how old would he be today?
- How long is a yardstick?
- Where in Massachusetts did the Boston Tea Party take place?
- What military rank is Gen. MacArthur?
- What kind of bird is raised in an ostrich farm?
The funniest actor was of course Lulu McConnell. Her raspy voice and the deprecating remarks made by others panelists and Mr. Howard will make you visualize her as a fat ugly woman. She however rose above all that and steal the audience applause. Particularly when she ends her line with, "I am not just a glamour girl, you know?" or "I am not just a pretty face, you know?". Usually, though, she was the punching bag. Her attempts at self-praise would immediately backfire on her. For example, she would say she would like to be called football as she likes to ‘play the field’ to which Mr. Howard would say, "and you are just as wide." Her exchanges with Mr. Howard were notable. Once, Mr. Howard would say, "Ms. McConnell, if I were your husband, I would give you poison." For that, Ms. McConnell would say, "If you were my husband, Mr. Howard, I would take it!" She would routinely flirt male guests, which prompted someone to ask if she had a husband or a boyfriend. She then admitted she had a boyfriend but that she would not marry him when he was drunk and he would not marry her when he was sober. Sometimes Mr. Howard would try to coax the answer out of the panelists and describe something unbelievably big, hideous or dangerous. Invariably, Mr. McNaughton, who spoke with a British accent, would say, "We are back to Ms. McConnell again."
The insults were thrown around liberally but nobody acted bothered. When Mr. Howard accuses Mr. McNaughton of being an imbecile, he nonchalantly replies, "I am also flat-footed, you know?"
Mr. Shelton played the certified fool. His favourite gag was usually unleashed when a joke fell flat. He would then laugh in the most contrived manner for a while and then say, "I still don't get it!" He also used to woik in a variety of towns in such odd capacities as a barber in an ice factory 'cos he is used shave ice.
The program also featured mishmash music by Dr. Novic, which annoyed Mr. Howard no end … towards the end.